Coffee is ALWAYS the answer - it's not supposed to be the problem!

I'll admit it, I'm tired.  This last week was exhausting.  I ran a half marathon, we had a HUGE inspection at work that took up a ton of time and effort.  I'm just tired.  And there's nothing wrong with that, life happens.  We all get tired and cranky.  The problem is when you're a single parent and you're tired.  Who do you turn to?

In my house, we're at the stage where there are no longer naps - this is very sad as I miss naptime with B.  Instead there can be 'episodes' we watch and depending on how tired I am is deeply correlated with how long she gets to watch and how many she can watch.  But it is what it is.  As long as nothing comes between me and my coffee I'm much easier to deal with.

Then there was Saturday morning....I was working on my laptop in bed when some crazy idea formed in her head.  I still have no idea what possessed her but she decided to take the pillow out from behind me without letting me know.  While taking the pillow out she proceeded to hit my coffee mug which hit the floor and shattered - with coffee still in it.

Seriously, ya'll I thought I was going to lose my mind!  You do NOT come between me and coffee.  I have never seen the child move so fast to clean up a mess in my life!

I can say it was hard - I had to work through the anger.  Seriously, it was my coffee!  At least it wasn't a good mug.  I held it together....barely.  Once she cleaned up the mess, I sent her to get dressed and we headed outside.  I knew if we had stayed inside it would have NOT been good for either one of us.

But we survived.  And we have endured another week of hills and valleys.  Another week where nothing goes as planned and it leaves us both exhausted.  But we have survived and we will be better for it.  That's all we can ask for.  That's all we can do....wait no from now on we will also have our coffee in spill-proof and non-breakable containers - at least for the safety of the child.  Now that's all we can do.

RAK Half Marathon in the Books!

Self-care is hard.  Self-care while being a single parent can be even harder.  The idea of training for a half marathon is daunting.  The idea of training for a half marathon while being a single parent is even more of a daunting task.  But, as I proved yesterday, it can be done.

Training takes support.  Training while raising a child on your own takes even more support.  So I ask my village for help.  I schedule training for when she has her gymnastics classes.  I use the treadmill when she's sick.  I do what I can to accomplish my goals.  When I accomplish my goals I show her that she's capable of those things as well.  That's why we need to do self-care.

Parenting is about showing our kids the type of people we want them to become.  We show our kids that caring for themselves is just as important as caring for those around you.  Just like setting goals and hard work, self-care should be a part of life.  A life that makes you and your child just as happy as anything else.

So when I got home from running my 4th half marathon - still surreal to say that - I was tired.  My body hurt.  So we sat on the couch.  She brought me a pillow, a blanket and snuggled me in.  When the pizza was delivered, I realized there wasn't any sauce for breadsticks, so she poured marinara in a bowl and brought it to me.  I love my child.  I love that she is so thoughtful and understanding about my goals.

To me, that's something I've done right.  She's amazing and I appreciate it and her.  She has an ability to be understanding and know what you need before you know what you need.  I needed this half marathon.  I needed to know that I could do it without hating myself and the world.  So now I'm better and she's better.  Goals come and go but love and understanding will stay, hopefully, until the end.

Balance

We're 6 days into February and I'm struggling with balance.  The balance of work, freelance work, raising my daughter and training for the half marathon.  It's not easy and I never have claimed it would be but for some reason, it's really super hard right now.  I'm guessing it's because we're having a big inspection at work and it's making the staff a bit crazy.  But that doesn't seem to be it, at least not all of it.

This is probably the best description at this point.

It could be the limbo I'm feeling.  I really want to write full-time and make money doing it. But I also want to be a decent mom to my daughter, in the Middle East, when the current head of the US is making it hard for the Arab people.  It leaves me feeling lost and wondering what each day will bring.  That's definitely not something I need from the world around us.

So I wonder, I wonder if I'm doing what's right for my daughter.  I wonder if she's getting everything she needs from me.  I wonder if the US will still be standing.  I wonder if relations will take a change for the negative that may affect my job.  I just wonder over and over again.

And all this wondering leads me to re-visit my faith, my vision board and my daughter.  Because I have these 3 things I know we'll be ok.  I know that life is going to have hills and valleys and that, in the end, we'll be ok.

But being ok isn't good enough anymore.  I want to be good or even great.  I want to be ecstatically happy with all parts of my life.  So I'm working on it.  I'm working on all of it.  I even established my goals for Declare It Day 2017.
1.  I will run at least 900 miles (I hit 100 last week).
2.  I will make money through freelance work.

The plus is that I've been making some money here and there with freelance work.  But in order to make the life that's best for me and my daughter I have to do more.  I've sent in copies of the first book and now am doing the waiting game of publishers.  But I'm moving on.  I'm finding balance.  I'm working on trying out new recipes - 2 last week and the child liked both!  I'm still working on a sugar-free lifestyle.  Sometimes the balance is what you need to make everything good again and good will always turn into great!

Single parenting when your kid is sick....

I'm lucky.  I have a village that helps me take care of her.  I have friends that take her and care for her, and if we're honest, better than I would if it was me who was home.  I just don't do well when she's sick much less sick for this long.  There are some people on this earth who are made to care for sick kids and people in general, come to find out I'm not one of those people.  Instead, I am one who has an agenda that I like to accomplish everyday.  When I can't accomplish those tasks I get irritated and it has nothing to do with her, it's my personality.  But more important right now is that she's sick and I'm stuck.

I'll admit it, the last week has been rough.  My little one has been sick - running a fever and then starting to cough.  I thought she was over it so I let her play all weekend and wound up coming back with a fever yesterday. This is when single parenting sucks.  I'll be honest, it really and truly does.  I can't take leave or I won't get paid and I'm not in a position where I can afford to not get paid.  I have no other income at this point and I have no partner to stay with her.  So what do I do?

This is those times that a partner can make all the difference in the world.  These are the times where being a single parent is just hard, especially when you live outside the home.  There's nothing you can do but wait on your child to feel better.  There's nothing you can do but wait and pray you're doing what's best for your kid.  That's the only choice you have.  But you always wonder if it's the best choice and if there was anything else you could do.   You will always second guess yourself and wonder - what if?  

Week 1 with Tinder

So I've survived week 1 on Tinder.  I didn't go on any actual dates, it's really intimidating.  I did go to happy hour with friends which was nice.  Being able to be an adult with no expectations is pretty awesome.  I definitely need to work on this more often.

I will say that I now understand why friends say that Tinder is good for the ego.  If you haven't worked on Tinder before then here are a few basic steps.  You upload some pictures of yourself and then you get matched with people in the area.  If you swipe right you 'like' if you swipe left you 'don't like'.  Seems simple right?  Except what if you swiped left on someone you may consider swiping right to on a different day?!  A little stressful but it works out.

Overall besides being told I'm pretty and men doing their best to make conversations it's been not all that interesting. This is why I dislike dating, especially when you don't know one another.  The small talk gets old, I want to have a full fledge conversation with someone who is real and direct.  I want to know exactly what that person is thinking and desire.  I know, I know, it comes WAY after the first few dates which is why I suck at dating.  I really like to have it all figured out and wrapped up by the time I've met them for a 2nd date or so.

Someday it'll work out.  Someday I will be able to give B a positive report.  For now she keeps asking when I'm going on a "love" date.  In her mind, I will meet someone, get married and have a baby.  "Because that's what people do."  So we're working on her perception of what people do and the expectations she has.  It's a process, like all parenting it but hey, if she can learn from me, then she'll be better off later.

Tinder and Dating as a Single Parent

So the child has decided I need to start dating.  Seriously, she has been on me for months and I've avoided it for one reason or another.  I'm just not the type to want to date.  I want Mr. Right to materialize in front of me as part of everything I need him to be.  That's all.  I know what I'm looking for, can't he just materialize?  So far, that hasn't worked.

The other day, when she has once again brought up the conversation of dating and the fact I need to go on some dates, she adds "Isn't there an app for that?  You can check the app store."  OH MY GOD.  Seriously!?!?  My 7-year-old is telling me to go to the app store to help find dates.  First off, there are apps for that but second, SERIOUSLY!?!

So last night I was curious, I'll be honest, I've played on #Tinder before but this time I'm going to try to take it a bit more serious.  I know I don't want to meet in person face to face but who knows.  Maybe my next Mr. Right is on there and I wouldn't have known if my kid hadn't pushed the issue.

New Year - New Ideas - Old Foundation

I love the beginning of the year, just like I love the beginning of the week.  You're given an opportunity to start again in each of these.  Each week, you get a chance to live a better week than the week before.  You get a chance to have new choices which can change how you live.  The New Year isn't any different.

Every year people make resolutions to do things from being healthier aka lose weight to becoming more financially fit.  Each year people make goals that change who they are.  Very few people look at the foundation they have and move from there.  Very few people look back on what they've learned and adjust from who they are to who they want to be.

So who you do want to be?  When you look in the mirror, who do you want to see?  On January 2nd, 2018 I want to see someone who is out of debt, 1-year sugar-free, 800 running miles completed and happy.

Those may sound like small goals but I know I will struggle with them each and every day. And I'm ok with that.  I want the struggle, I know I have the foundation to be who I want to be.  Now I need to build on that, not ignore who I am but become who I want to be.  Each day, I get an opportunity to have the day I choose.  And now, I'm taking full advantage of that.  I will be able to take each day as a new opportunity to build upon myself.  In building myself up, I build my daughter up.  I show her what it's like to love yourself and have the life you want to live.  And no matter what, I will be amazing.

How to Live a Good Life

I just got off a webchat with author Jonathon Fields, who wrote the book How to Live a Good Life.  The book discusses the 3 buckets of life - Vitality, Contribution, and Connection.  I can honestly say I didn't realize how low all 3 of my buckets had gotten.  Now that I know, I also realize what I need to do to make them full.

But it's not just about me, it's about making sure my daughter's buckets are filled too.  She's 7 and the world is constantly changing around her.  Sometimes the expat life makes it hard for her to feel a connection.  So it's something we're working on.  Part of that work is taking her back to the U.S. this Christmas.  She feels connected with her family, my job is to then help her connect with them again.
Expat life is hard for adults, being a child who is finding their way through the world is even tougher. Each day I wonder if I'm doing what's best for her, especially when her buckets are low.

This is where single parenting gets hard.  I know I carry around more guilt because it's just me and I have no one constant in my life to process the information and concerns with.  There is no one as dedicated to her well-being as much as I am.  And that's ok but it makes me more aware when she is hurting and struggling.

So here I sit, wondering what our next steps are.  How can I fill her buckets and mine?  How can I find the spark that makes both of us truly happy in our lives that we've built.  And I'm working on it.  Each day I work a little more and find out a little more about what we need.  But where does it go from here?  How do I actually give her a "good life"?

For now I'm working on me and trying to help her too.  It's not always easy and it's not always fun but I'm hoping to make her the person she needs to be to make the world a better place.  That's the only thing I can do.

NaNo Kicked My A&$

I know it's been awhile!  Life had been super exciting with the first podcast interview in October and then I jumped into NaNo Month.  For the month of November, I worked on a novel, something I've always wanted to do but hadn't had the chance.  The month of November is set aside as a month of novel writing.  Ideally, you hit 50,000 words in the month and can publish a novel.  Sounds simple right?

Have you ever tried to write 50,000 words in one month?  On the same topic?  I can now say I have and it's definitely not easy.  Halfway through I switched stories so now I have two half finished books, one I had previously worked on which I'm not editing and a website and blog that has been extremely neglected.  But it's ok, because that's life.

Writing has been keeping me busy, which is a big win in my world.  The other part of life, B keeps me busier than I want to admit.  Between her gymnastics and keeping her social life intact, we've been busy.  Yet, now that it's slowing down, it's nice.  We work hard to just hang out and work together, which is good as there's another big event coming up for us....I've signed up for another half marathon.

Half marathon training is a challenge, as a single mom it's a bit more of a challenge, at least for me.  There are only so many miles I can do on the treadmill without going stircrazy.  Plus I like to run in the morning and not all of her friends are into early morning playdates.  So we do what we can.

Since she's my main training partner, as in she gets to pick my crosstraining regime and decide some of that stuff, she is really involved in the training.  Friday was a perfect example, we had a variety of activities going on and I needed to get 6k in.  The only way to do it was outside, she jumped on her bike and we made loops around the apartment complex.  It worked, not sure how many times it'll work but for now, we do what we need to do.

First podcast

Life should be about living on the edge, right?  Well, I, at times, take that to the extreme.  For example, moving across the world with my 3 year old.  Most people would NOT have picked the Middle East but I did and we'll forever be better for it.  Taking this into consideration, I was asked to do an interview for a podcast...so I did.  Here's the link http://www.fourseasonefamily.com/4s1f-blog/2016/10/23/4s1f44-people-need-to-be-treated-as-people - I had a great talk with James Thomas the host and really enjoyed the experience!
Here's to learning to say Yes and enjoy the experience, no matter what your thoughts were first!

That's ok...

Let's be honest, the parenting thing is great and horrible all at the same time.  Each time I get the developmental stage figured out she moves to a new one.  How does that happen?!  I figured out the baby stage, she started to walk - figured out the toddler years, she went to preschool - figured out the preschool thing and she started school.  Now she's almost 7 and totally independent!  She has her own thoughts, her own interactions, this past summer she traveled halfway around the world with friends to spend 3 weeks with her grandparents...without me!

And now there are little to no more cuddles, there isn't time she needs me.  Instead she's hanging out with her friends, she is working on her iPad (Minecraft obsession currently) and working to complete chores around the house so she can buy the things she wants to buy.  Let's be honest though, where does that leave me?

That leaves me redefining myself.  It's meant the last few months I haven't been blogging.  Instead I've been working on freelance projects and writing a couple books that have been on my mind.  Instead I've been working on me, myself and what the future holds for us.

And it's ok.  It's ok that she wants to be her own person.  It's ok that she is able to do these things by herself.  It's ok that I want to find out my next stage of life.  It's ok that I'm growing and changing.  Do you know what makes it ok?  She's sitting here, working on her iPad as I write this.  As much as she doesn't need me, she still wants to be with me...and that's ok.